No Place For A Hero
by thatgirlwhowritessometimes
Summary: Mankind was supposed to fail so they could learn from their mistakes, and Joel learned his mistake was his humanity. Because even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, their worst enemy was still their own kind. He thought there was no hope for their race, and it took a fourteen-year-old girl to show him otherwise. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So, I've been working on this for a while on and off (since maybe a week after The Last Of Us first came out). It's pretty much the story from Joel's POV, except I dove deeper into a lot of things that were only hinted at, like his life with Sarah before the outbreak and the time he spent as a hunter. I used the basic plot and some dialogue from the game, but otherwise everything else is mine. I worked my ass off to finish this, so I sincerely hope you enjoy it! **

**This is the first of three parts - the second part is finished and the third is nearly done! So expect those parts within a few days of each other :)**

**Warnings:**** Bad language, because, well, Ellie. (And hunters! Woooo!)**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own The Last Of Us, nor do I make a profit from this work.**

* * *

_no place for a hero in this world  
no place for someone like me  
i can't shoulder the burden of a hero  
when i still hold on to what used to be_

* * *

Joel wasn't a hero.

He knew that. He understood that, and he accepted that. He wasn't anything like the brave, masked figures in the stories his mother used to read with him when he was a kid. Not even close. He wasn't selfless, righteous, or brilliant in every way. He wasn't flawless with the morals of a saint. He wasn't. He was just a man. A survivor.

So no, Joel wasn't a hero. Hell, he wasn't even that good of a man. There had come a time in his life where he hadn't hesitated to kill those who stood in his way or felt any remorse taking from others less fortunate than him. There was no room for pity or compassion in the apocalyptic world he lived in, because they'd all just do the same to him if given the chance. He'd learned that the hard way.

But even though he could count all his good qualities on one hand, that didn't mean he was a lost cause. Because when everything was different, he was different too.

From what felt like another lifetime ago, before he'd become a cold, emotionally detached man through twenty years of loss and pain, Joel was just another everyday joe working hard to keep a roof over his head. He had a somewhat stable job and a mortgage to pay. He had a few buddies he'd go to the bar with every now and then to enjoy a cold one. He had his little brother Tommy to remember their parents with, and to reminisce about all the good times on their family's old ranch back in Texas that they both missed so much.

He had a daughter.

Sarah. She was his world. He went to her soccer games whenever he could, and was always the loudest parent cheering. He stayed up with her when she wouldn't admit she was afraid of the dark, and they'd make popcorn with salt and just a little butter and watch movies until she finally fell asleep. When she was upset he told her all the lame jokes he could think of that she swore up and down between giggles weren't funny at all. He made her breakfast before school – but no bacon, because he never knew when she was going through another vegetarian phase – and thanked his lucky stars every meal that she genuinely liked fruits and vegetables. He never forgot to tell her how much he loved her every night as he put her to bed, and after every bad dream she had he said that everything would be alright as long as they had each other. She was comforted, and he was too. They were happy.

And then everything changed.

* * *

His world, and the world he lived in, ended.

Even so many years later, Joel could remember it in agonizing clarity and the pain still felt like it was only days old despite the decades that separated them. For so long he wanted to come to terms with what happened, to finally accept it and maybe be able to move on. He used to want to forget, but now, he doesn't think he could forget even if he tried.

He can't ever forget the screams and cries for help and the crazed, bloodthirsty screeches from the... the _things_ that used to be his neighbours, his friends.

He can't ever forget the feeling of the cracked pavement beneath his boots as they ran for their lives, and how the small hand he held tightly within his own gripped back just as fiercely.

He can't ever forget seeing that soldier, and the overwhelming wave of _relief_ he felt that they were finally safe. But he can't ever forget hearing the soldier's words that just didn't make sense, because they _weren't infected_ goddamnit, and Sarah's leg was broken so _why weren't they helping them?  
_  
And then, he can't ever forget putting two and two together, and coming up with the end. He can't ever forget the sound of the gunshots, and trying desperately to shield Sarah's body with his own before–

_"Oh, no..."  
_  
He can't ever forget holding his baby girl close as he watched her beautiful blue eyes fade to grey, and it was such a contrast to all the red that seemed to be everywhere that he could only stare and clutch her limp form to his chest, feeling helpless and empty in every sense of the word. He'd closed his eyes as tears slipped down his face and he rocked Sarah gently, choking in blind disbelief.

And as his world had slowly crumbled around him, he'd known then that this wasn't something he could reconcile with in a few years' time. There are some wounds that time just can't heal, and losing her wasn't something he'd ever forgive himself for. It had been his job to save his sweet baby girl, and he'd failed not only as a father, but as a human being. As her hero.

Joel had pressed his face into his daughter's cold neck and felt a piece of himself die too.

_"Come on, baby, please."  
_  
He won't ever forget. He _can't_ ever forget.

_"Don't do this to me, baby girl."_

His heartbeat had matched the ticking of his watch. Tick-tick. Tick-tick.

_"...Sarah?"_

Tick.

* * *

It was only a short while after he lost Sarah that Joel first realized he was not a hero. Not for his daughter, not for anybody that day or any day since. Because heroes didn't fail – they always managed to save the one thing that meant more to them than the world itself, because they _were_ their world and if they were to lose them it would mean the end of both their lives. And knowing that was supposed to make him be that much smarter, that much faster and stronger and maybe just that much closer to being the hero she'd needed him to be. But he'd still failed anyway, because he _wasn't_ good enough and _wasn't_ a hero. The revelation that he was just a man, a flawed man, was painfully clear.

And maybe he could never be a hero, because even though he tried his damn hardest and gave it everything he had, he couldn't win if he was destined to lose when it mattered most. Mankind was supposed to fail so that they could learn from their mistakes, and Joel learned that his mistake _was_ his humanity. It was a cruel reminder that he had failed to protect what he cherished above all else from harm, and it was the harsh reality he was forced to suffer through for twenty very long, terrible years.

* * *

And for most of those years, Joel was a hunter. Not the kind who killed animals for food (though they did that too whenever they could – they'd learned to eat whatever they could get). He was the bad kind of hunter, the kind that killed and scavenged and did whatever they had to do to live another day. And he definitely did a whole lot of things he wasn't proud of, and a whole lot more that gave him endless nightmares night after night. He got through that time by drinking away the loss and the guilt from killing innocent people for their measly few belongings. When he could, he drowned himself in whatever booze he could get. After all, alcohol is the cheapest kind of therapy, and it worked just as well – he found he couldn't remember the terrified look on their victim's faces if he was looking into the bottom of a bottle.

Do whatever it takes to survive, right?

But then Tommy wanted to leave him and their hunter group to join with the Fireflies. Joel thought he was naïve to believe so wholeheartedly in a cause that sounded too good to be true, but Tommy said he wanted to help people instead of killing them. Which Joel agreed with, he _really_ did, but what chance did this Firefly rebel group have against the massive gangs of hunters all across the world? Joel thought if you wanted to live, you had to be on the side that was winning.

Tommy disagreed, so he left. Joel was on his own. His baby brother didn't even look back as he walked away from everything Joel had done and sacrificed to keep them alive. He didn't even say goodbye. But Tommy did tell him that he didn't ever want to see his goddamn face again, but at least he'd said _something._

Joel's rapidly dwindling supply of alcohol was there for him after that. He had only a little left to numb the feeling of betrayal and abandonment by the last of his family, but he made every drop count – just like he made every bullet count on the infected that ruined his life and took away his world.

It took years, but gradually he felt less and less remorse for viciously killing the infected or any unfortunate tourists that crossed his path. It was the lowest he ever sunk, and he hated himself for still living the way he was even though he knew how horribly wrong it was. He tried not to think of Sarah when he did the things that would surely haunt him forever, and he tried not to think of how ashamed she'd be of him if she could see what he'd become.

Joel tried to be better. He really did. He'd use Sarah's memory as an anchor to keep from submerging himself completely in the life of a hunter, but sometimes even she wasn't enough to keep him afloat. In his worst moments, he'd completely forget her as he killed or as he stole. And whenever he'd resurface from whatever deep abyss of diseased actions he'd sank into, he'd desperately grasp to remember again and he'd beg her to understand that he had to do it, that he needed to because he had no other choice. He was doing what he could to survive so he could live for her, because it was his fault she wasn't living at all. And he'd hear what she'd say in the back of his mind after he did it too, saying things like: _daddy, what did that man ever do to you? he was probably looking for food or a house somewhere. why did you have to hurt him? he just wanted to live too! _He tried not to hear it, but no matter how loudly his ears rang from their screaming, their crying and their begging, he could still hear her soft voice quietly asking him why they had to die.

Sometimes there were days when his resolve to live crumbled and he really thought about ending it. All of it. No more guilt and longing for the past, no more hurting people and no more running from the truth of what he was doing and what he was. Joel was never a man to give up easily, especially after everything he'd done to survive to this point, but there was only so much a person could take before life becomes just too heavy a burden to bear. But whenever he saw a blade or a rope or anything he could use to get the relief he craved, Sarah's face would immediately come to mind. Except this time her image wouldn't leave him, not like it would when he lost himself in his new life, and the mere thought of her made him ashamed that he was even contemplating suicide. He could never really do it, he realized, because how could he choose to kill himself when she never had a choice? And who was he to throw away life when his daughter would never live again?

He'd make it through and live for her even though it hurt so much. He hoped she would be okay with how he was living, being a hunter and all, but he knew he was fooling himself. She'd never be okay with hurting innocent people. But he couldn't find it in him to change, to be something better, even for her. He couldn't try be a good person after everything he'd done. He felt too far gone. And it was tearing him apart that he couldn't be better for Sarah because he didn't deserve to be. So if he ever found alcohol amongst the rubble of a once thriving city left to rot, he gave himself a few hours of thoughtless bliss, a dreamless night and a hangover the next morning he always knew he deserved.

He lived that way for a long time, because he thought there was no other way to live. He ran out of the heavenly bitter liquid that was his escape after a few years – Sarah's face coming to him often in varying degrees of clarity – and gradually less tourists came into town. Their supplies dropped to dangerous lows, and the hunters became more and more desperate.

But then he saw something he hadn't seen in years, something that seemed so terribly insignificant to any other but ended up completely changing his life.

Mercy.

* * *

**[FLASHBACK - _fourteen years after the outbreak_]**

Joel was on his nightly patrol when he spotted one of the newer, younger hunters come across a woman and a small child bundled up behind a dumpster in one of the many alley ways. Joel watched silently, hidden well within the shadows despite his bulk, as the hunter ransacked the woman for her coat and her shoes and whatever food she had on her just like he'd been taught to do. But then a single choked sob erupted from the child, and the hunter froze.

The hunter – whose name was David, Joel suddenly remembered – turned to look at the child with a puzzled look on his face, like he couldn't remember what he was doing or why he was doing it. Joel could relate.

David flinched heavily when the child's sobs suddenly became wails. The woman quickly tried to comfort the child in her arms. "Hush, bébé," she murmured quietly. "Vous devez être silencieux!"

At this point, Joel expected David to pull out his gun and shoot them so that the noise wouldn't draw over any other hunters to steal the food and clothes he got from the woman. That's what he would have done, at least. But to Joel's surprise, David stepped forward with his arms extended. The woman shrank back and tried to shield the child from the hunter with her body, but David just grabbed the woman's shoulders to keep her still. Then he just... looked at her.

They held eye contact for what must have been no more than a minute, but to Joel it felt like so much longer. He guessed David was making an important decision, judging by the kid's conflicting facial expressions. While the woman's face was full of fear, the young hunter's face was consumed by an emotion Joel guessed was something like indecision, and then acceptance. His eyes seemed sad.

David suddenly let go and hastily bent to pick up the woman's jacket, her shoes and the bit of food he'd taken from her. He thrust them into her arms and spun her from the alley way and towards the direction of the road. Joel could hear the voices of a few hunters nearby, probably coming to check out the child's screaming cries, and apparently David did too because he started pushing her roughly out of the alley.

"You have to run," the young hunter said, sounding increasingly panicked. "You have to get out of here. They'll kill you if they find you. Do you understand? You have to leave!" He pushed her out into the street and whipped his head in the direction of the approaching hunters. They weren't in sight yet, but by the sounds of it, they would be soon. "Go all the way down this road. When you get to a big green gate, take a right. Then your second left. At the back of the alley, there's a hole in the fence. Go through it and head towards the metal tower on the horizon. You'll come across a forest. Follow the first stream that's over three feet wide and it'll lead you far away from here. They never patrol that far. You'll be safe. Now go, damn it! Before it's too late!"

He gave her a final push in the opposite direction of where the other hunters were coming. But the woman didn't run – she seemed confused, probably because the man who had just mugged her was now giving her back her stuff and shoving her away from what she must've assumed was his back-up. Joel knew it was because she didn't seem to speak English and didn't understand that she was being let go, but the young hunter was too caught up in the moment to realize that.

David, if it was possible, became even more panicked when he saw she wasn't going anywhere. "What the hell is wrong with you, lady? Go already! Fucking run!" In a last ditch effort, he pulled out his gun and shot at her feet. The woman took off down road cradling the still crying child tightly to her chest.

She ran maybe twenty feet before the sound of a rifle cracked the air, and she fell to the ground. The child flew from her arms and landed beside her, and its cries became hysterical and high pitched before there was another gun shot and the crying stopped instantly.

"Hey, kid! Dumbass!"

Up until that point, David had been staring where the woman and the child had fallen, the arm holding his gun slack and unmoving. But the deep, rough voice startled him and he jerked around to see four hunters advancing towards him, all with their guns drawn. One held a hunting rifle; the barrel was still smoking.

Another one of the hunters stepped forward and with a sickening jolt in his gut, Joel realized it was the leader of their faction, Bones. Joel hadn't been intimidated by a lot of people in his fourty odd years, but he knew right away not to mess with this guy. He hoped that David wasn't going to have to learn that the hard way.

"What the fuck was that, kid? You were gonna let her go, huh?" Bones demanded, an angry snarl twisting his face.

David blanched. "N-No! What? Hell no! The bitch got away from me! I was just about to shoot her, I fuckin' swear, man."

"Bullshit. You think I'm a fuckin' idiot? Huh? Do ya, kid?"

"No way, Bones! I'm not lying, honest! You heard my gun, right? I was tryna get her. I just missed, okay? You gotta believe me!" David begged desperately.

At this point, Joel had a good idea of what was coming next. Bones was pissed, and David didn't deserve what he was about to get. Joel wished he could do something, but he'd only be dooming them both if he tried to save him. He wanted to leave so he wouldn't have yet another memory to try fruitlessly to forget, but he owed it to the kid. David deserved for someone to see the brave and selfless thing he had done, and Joel would honour him by seeing it through 'till the end.

"Come on Bones, I'm telling the truth, man! I swear!" David continued.

Bones glared at him, and the power and malice behind it made even Joel uncomfortable. David cowered where he stood. His hands shook violently, but somehow he still held on to his gun as if his life depended on it. Maybe it did.

"Ah, fuck it."

Bones lifted his gun and fired. David fell to the ground, a bullet between his eyes.

The other hunters cheered, and Bones made a show of blowing the smoke off the barrel of his pistol like he was in some sort of movie. Joel felt sick. These were the kind of guys he was surrounded by, and the kind of guy that he himself was?

They hung around for a while longer, still snickering and calling David stupid, weak. They kicked dirt at him, spat on his body, and took his gun. And when they finally left, Joel turned into the alley way and was violently sick. Their hyenic laughter still rang in his ears even after they were out of sight. He sat in the shadows for a long, long time after that.

* * *

Joel was a man enough to admit that after David died for doing something so _human_ that night, he cried for the first time since Sarah died. David couldn't have been older than his mid-twenties, but he showed more heart than Joel had in almost fifteen years since the infection began. Joel didn't want to think about that too much.

Except he couldn't stop thinking about it. He saw compassion break through the grisly part of human nature that he'd become so accustomed to and it jarred him in ways that he couldn't even begin to explain. He didn't want to know how far from human he had fallen and how low he'd stooped into the animalistic, beastly side of himself that a single act of kindness could shake him to his very core. How heartless was he that he would have shot the woman and the child without a second thought if it meant keeping their belongings from other hunters? He allowed himself to consider what his baby girl would say if she could see him now. Would she see her father who was only doing the best he could, or just another one of these monsters?

Thinking of Sarah right then really showed him how different he was from who he was before the crisis. He was angry at himself for letting this go on for so long, and he knew she would have been too.

He absently stroked his watch. It had stopped ticking years ago, and the glass cracked long before that, but he just couldn't take it off. It was a piece of him, and a piece of Sarah. He couldn't throw it away like it was trash when it was the most important thing he owned. It was all he had left of her, and he'd be damned if he lost that too.

But looking at the watch she'd given him all those years ago brought up memories of the way things used to be, the way _he_ used to be. He may not be a hero, then, now or maybe ever, but at least he'd been kinder, caring and friendly. He'd been _human_.

He thinks that Sarah would have liked David, because the kid reminded him that despite the horrible things they had to do to survive, they were still human beings below the scars and the grime and the guilt they carried with them every day. Sarah always had a way of bringing out the best in him, and David showed him how far he had fallen from that. And now he could finally sort of see what Tommy had all along – that there was still hope for them, for human kind. And after seeing what David had done, Joel tentatively began to think maybe he was right. But it had to start with one person.

And that person had been David. He was a hero in his own way. But in the end, he failed, because there was still no place for a hero in this world. Not yet, at least. It would only get you killed.

But what mattered most to Joel was that David had looked past his maybe not so great qualities and tried to be a better person than what was expected of him. David was no saint, Joel knew that too well, but he still tried to make the right decision instead of falling into old patterns. And maybe the kid's death shocked Joel so much even after seeing so much death (and dealing out his fair share of it too) was that there was something so incredibly raw in the villain trying to be the hero for once.

_Villain_. Reality never smacked Joel in the face harder than it did then. Not only was he not a hero, he was the bad guy; the kind of man that mothers told their children to stay away from. He'd become so accustomed to his role as a villain that he didn't even realize that he _was_ a villain, because he'd convinced himself that he was doing his best when really he was just too afraid to do what was right.

But David had done what Joel was too scared to do – be a good man, even after everything that had happened. That was something Joel promptly decided he could learn to do. It took a kid nearly half his age for him to realize he was a hunter just like Bones, and that he didn't want to be anymore.

Even though Joel would never know why David did what he did, he still thanked him for it all the same. He gave him hope that he didn't have to live everyday feeling like he was slowly drowning in his shame and guilt. Joel could become human again and live the better life he'd wanted for so long, and he'd do it for himself and he'd do it for the kid who never could.

_"Thanks, kid... David."_

**[END FLASHBACK]**

* * *

**Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**** I updated this a little later than I planned, sorry! I was ****tweaking a few things and I'm happier with the result. Thanks to those who reviewed and followed and favourited, and I hope you enjoy this next part! Please review :)**

**Disclaimer:**** I've included a lot of one scene's dialogue from the game is in this chapter. I don't ****own it!**

* * *

Joel met Tess in Boston soon after he ditched the hunters. Well, she found him curled up under the stairs in an abandoned apartment complex, weak and sick from hunger and he'd only barely managed to talk her out of immediately putting a bullet in his head by the skin of his teeth. He still doesn't really know why Tess even listened to him. Hell, if their positions were reversed, Joel wouldn't have even let Tess speak before he'd have shot her, but he thinks maybe she saw an opportunity in him – just like how he saw one in her.

He learned quickly that Tess wasn't someone you wanted to mess with. She was a well-known figure in all circles and had a reputation that still managed to impress him even after years of working with the most vicious hunters. And once he finally earned her trust, she let him in on her work.

She made a living through smuggling and trading for ration cards, guns, food or whatever she could get. Ration cards were the currency for those who didn't resort to killing innocent people for their belongings like the hunters did. Joel liked working for ration cards a whole lot better. It was as honest work as he'd ever get now, and though he still had to cheat and scam and sometimes kill to get the best deal possible, Joel considered it the first step to a better life.

And it was a better life. He and Tess became... something, something he hadn't had since his wife, and he was about as content and secure as he'd ever be in himself, in his failure and his crippling, all too human flaws. He thinks maybe Sarah would have been proud of him.

He spent the next six years with Tess. They were pretty good years. Their ration cards never dipped below a month's worth, and they had a place to call home even if it was a tiny, dirty apartment with a rotting door that didn't lock. But it was home all the same.

There was always booze around, whether he was drinking from it or not. He didn't really drink that much anymore anyway (brought back too many memories) but Tess always seemed to have an open bottle somewhere. Maybe she was running from something too. He never asked her about it though, not once in the time they spent together. He was okay with not knowing.

Sometimes they worked jobs for the Fireflies. Joel didn't really like working for them a whole lot, cause the Fireflies reminded him of Tommy and he resented Tommy for abandoning him. But he also kinda missed him too, and he hoped to see Tommy whenever he and Tess did work for the rebel group. He sure as hell wasn't going to talk to him or apologize; he just wanted to know that he was doin' okay.

He never did see him though. Just after the twentieth anniversary of his daughter's death, nearly sixteen years since he last talked to his little brother, they decided on a whim to take yet another job from the Fireflies. What would be any different?

Everything, apparently. That's how they met Ellie – a kid with horrifying language, a less than pleasant attitude and more strength of will and tenacity than Joel had ever seen in someone so young. Joel was mildly impressed that Ellie stayed so calm even when Marlene declared that her immunity to the infection could be the cure for all of humanity. No pressure on the poor kid or anything. But despite everything that made Joel admire her resilience, she was just another job to do. They had to smuggle her across the city and get her to the Fireflies waiting for them, and then he and Tess would reclaim the guns Robert wrongfully sold to the Fireflies and be on their way. Simple, right?

Wrong. Looking back on it, Joel really should have known it wouldn't happen like that. Every plan has its flaws after all, just like the man that made them.

Every meeting place they went to had more and more dead Fireflies, and each time their plan failed Joel lost hope that they'd ever finish the job. Tess was adamant that they had to finish what they started though, so he went along with it for her sake.

But then Tess was pulling back her collar to show him the bite on her neck and telling him he had to keep going and get Ellie to Tommy so they could find the remaining Fireflies, and that he was obligated to do it for her because she cared and if he cared about her then he'd do it for her. Then the soldiers showed up and she told them to run and that she could buy them some time, and as he ran, Joel distantly realized he'd failed again to save someone else that mattered to him. He couldn't seem to learn from his mistakes, could he? But it was just another flaw, he supposed. And besides, what was one more flaw amongst all the others?

* * *

After Tess died, Joel was ashamed to admit that he took out the majority of his frustration on Ellie. A large part of him blamed her for Tess' death, but an even larger part said things had been going too well for the last couple of years and it was only a matter of time before things went to shit. He should have known his luck was bound to run out sooner or later. It really wasn't the kid's fault – she just showed up at the wrong time.

But he was still short with her. He only spoke to her when he needed to, and was quick to speak sharply if she did not follow his orders. He was trying to keep them safe after all, so who was she to disobey him when everything he did was for their best interest?

And to make everything even worse, she reminded him of Sarah. So much sometimes that it hurt, but other times a lot less and he could deal with it without arousing suspicion on Ellie's behalf. The last thing he needed was pity from a fourteen-year-old girl. She had no idea what loss was.

But a few times when she thought he wasn't looking he'd catch her staring at nothing, or at least at something he couldn't see. She'd look so sad and hopeless that he thinks maybe he wasn't the only one who had lost someone they cared about. No child her age should have that haunted look that he had seen on so many others much older. But he never asked her about it, because he knew from experience that you don't talk about your personal woes with people you just met. Chances are they don't care much anyways; they're probably just looking for weaknesses. And in this day and age, weakness is what gets you killed.

It took a while, months really, but gradually Joel began to view Ellie as a person, rather than just a job or a shipment to deliver. He doesn't really know when it changed. It might've been when they found some fireflies on the way to Bill's, and the child-like joy on her face as she danced in their dull light had managed to put the tiniest of smiles on his face. It had felt weird to smile, almost unnatural, when he hadn't had a real reason to for years.

It might've been when she'd fallen face first into some mud and she'd looked so shocked and disgusted that Joel actually had to hold back fits of laughter for the first time in way too long. And if he thought it felt strange to smile, he found he couldn't even remember what it felt like to laugh before that.

Or it might've been when he was drowning and Ellie hadn't hesitated to pick up his gun and kill the hunter that was holding his head below water. She'd never killed anyone before, but she did it for him without a second thought. She looked just as shocked as he felt.

_"Man... I shot the hell outta that guy, huh?"_

She sacrificed her innocence – or at least, what was left of it – for him. That amount of selflessness is something you do for someone you really care about, and he couldn't believe she had done that for him. And when he realized that, he couldn't bring himself to thank her. Maybe because it meant he was getting close to someone again, and he couldn't because they all ended up dead and at this point he didn't know what he'd do if she died. And who was he without a purpose, without someone to look after? So he did what he did best, and he lashed out.

_"I'm glad I didn't get my head blown off by a goddamn kid."_

He felt wave after wave of self-loathing when he saw the hurt look on her face – she looked so much like Sarah when her nose scrunched up like that – but he couldn't let her know how much what she did meant to him. She couldn't know that he was an old fool and becoming attached to her. And in an admittedly pretty messed up way, he could act like an asshole and not be constantly worried about her leaving him behind because he knew she was just as scared of being alone as he was.

So they fell into a pattern. The silence between them would be comforting, almost relaxing. And then something would happen and they'd have a moment where they'd bond or think maybe life together wasn't quite so bad. But then Joel would get scared and push her away again. Then the silence between them would be awkward for a while, both afraid to say something that would set the other off, before it would gradually become less tense and more normal.

Repeat.

It got tiring, the constant back and forth of emotions, but it was a whole lot better than Joel having to admit he was afraid to get too close with the kid. And he certainly didn't want to become attached to her because of the wrong reasons, like that she reminded him of Sarah. Ellie wasn't his daughter, and he sure as hell wasn't her father. He had to learn to remember that. For both their sakes, if not purely for his own.

* * *

They met Sam and Henry and struck up a tentative relationship. Safety in numbers and all that, Ellie said, which Joel knew was _not_ in fact the case, but he changed his mind when he saw the way Ellie and Sam acted together. It was great that they finally found someone her age, and she was happier than he had ever seen her – joking around, whistling. And it made him happy that she was happy. He knew it wouldn't last forever, but he still hoped it would.

It didn't.

Everything fell apart when Sam got infected. Henry had to shoot his little brother to save Ellie, and then he shot himself out of horror for what he'd done. Not that Joel blamed him. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to kill Tommy, never mind _Sam_ who was still just a kid.

Joel was sure the agonized look on Ellie's face matched his own perfectly because he knew exactly how Henry felt – trying so damn hard to keep someone you care about safe, and then that feeling of emptiness when you realize you weren't good enough. It was a rather vicious wake up call that what happened to Sam and Henry could still happen to him and Ellie. He knew for sure at this point if Ellie died he'd kill himself too in a heartbeat, because what else did he have to live for in this world anymore other than her?

* * *

After Sam and Henry died, Ellie stuck closer to Joel than she ever and it made him feel like he had to act in superhuman ways for her. She expected him to keep them safe, and it was hard enough to keep himself safe in a world like this but she needed him and he would be damned before he failed another little girl who counted on him. He would do whatever it took not to fail this time and not end up like the two fallen brothers.

Taking care of Ellie brought up thoughts he'd suppressed long ago, thoughts about being a hero for someone. He'd actually been thinking about it a lot lately, because looking after Ellie reminded him of what it had been like to look after Sarah. He'd been his daughter's hero, but he lost that when he lost her. He hadn't lost Ellie though – not yet, he reminded himself, because he wasn't allowed to be happy, remember? – so maybe if he did everything right this time he'd be good enough to keep Ellie safe.

He wanted to be a hero for Ellie even though he was terrified of breaking her blind, child-like trust in him. Sarah had trusted him like that and he'd failed her. He just couldn't fail Ellie too. But he still wanted her to look at him with trust and love like the way Sarah had looked at him before she died. The need to prove his competence as a protector was too strong. He wanted to know beyond a doubt that he'd become Ellie's hero because he earned it, and because he _deserved_ to be. He wanted it so bad, if only to convince himself that Sarah's death wasn't his fault, but was horrible luck or fate or that some higher power had decided he needed to lose his precious baby girl and that there was nothing he could have done to save her.

He wanted to matter to Ellie like she mattered to him. And to do that, he had to be the father-figure she needed – become her hero. Right? But that wasn't exactly likely, no matter how much he wanted to be, because he was human and his flaws were the reason he couldn't be one and the reason he hadn't been one for Sarah. He just hoped to whatever god that had abandoned them long ago that he could be good enough this time to protect Ellie. He recognized the second chance he'd been given and he was going to do everything he could not to waste it.

Except he really began to care about the kid so damn much that when they finally found Tommy, Joel wasn't sure he was good enough to get her to the Fireflies anymore. He was getting old, and he was definitely beginning to feel old, and they'd had too many close calls for him to have faith in his own abilities to keep them both safe and alive for another day. It wasn't the time to play hero, and he figured Tommy – being younger and rested _and_ an ex-Firefly to boot – would have a better chance of getting Ellie to the Fireflies safe. It was hard for him to let her go, but he was doing it for her. She was more important than whatever personal vendetta he was struggling with.

Now he wishes he had told her the truth that he planned on giving her over to Tommy, because she was smart and figured it out on her own. She usually acted so mature and because of that he'd sometimes forget she was still so young and wouldn't take too kindly to decisions being made for her that she didn't agree with. He should have trusted her instead of being secretive. Another mistake, another flaw.

When she disappeared, Joel's heart felt like it was in his throat because there were hunters everywhere goddamnit, and didn't she have_ any sense_ _at all?_ What if she got shot, or killed? Or _worse?_

He didn't relax again until they found her safely curled up reading in one of the upstairs bedrooms of some old ranch house. Despite the crushing relief and the constant mantra of _'thank God'_ that was running through his head, it wasn't enough to ease his anger in the slightest. He let her know how stupid she'd acted, and she yelled right back at him for how stupid _he _was.

_"Do you even realize what your life means? Huh? Running off like that, putting yourself at risk... it's pretty goddamn stupid."_

_"Well, I guess we're both disappointed with each other then."_

Which he didn't understand, because what the hell? He had to protect her from himself, from his mistakes and his flaws that would get her killed, and that's why he asked Tommy to finish the job for him. Why couldn't she see what he was sacrificing for her?

_"What do you want from me?"_

_"Admit that you wanted to get rid of me the whole time!"_

_"Tommy knows this area better than –"_

_"Agh, fuck that!"_

_"Well, I'm sorry. I trust him better than I trust myself."_

He didn't understand why Ellie was so upset. What did it matter who brought her to the Fireflies? As long as she got there alive, right? Wasn't that the whole point of all this? If he tried to take her and failed in the end, everything they had done would be for nothing. Tess' death would be for nothing. _Their_ deaths would be for nothing.

_"Stop with the bullshit. What are you so afraid of? That I'm going to end up like Sam? I can't get infected. I can take care of myself!"_

_"How many close calls have we had?"_

_"Well we seem to be doing alright so far."_

_"And now you'll be doing even better with Tommy!"_

She was so stubborn. Why couldn't she just do what he said? He was doing this for her, not for himself! He never wanted to get rid of her. If it was up to him he'd never give her up but he was trying to be a better person and stop being so selfish. Wasn't that what he was supposed to do here? Be the better person? Do what was _right?_

Then she brought up Sarah.

_"Maria told me about Sarah._ _And I –"_

_"Ellie. You are treading on some mighty thin ice here."_

_"I'm sorry about your daughter, Joel, but I have lost people too."_

_"You have no idea what loss is."_

But she did know, didn't she? Because when he said that, her eyes got hard and distant and Joel knew that look because he'd been wearing it for twenty years.

_"Everyone I have cared for has either died or left me. Everyone _– _fucking except for you!"_

Joel hadn't expected her to walk up and shove him hard enough that he had to step back to not fall over. He deserved it though. He knew he did. Everyone had a family, so why should Ellie not? She was just like everyone else in the same way she was completely different. They all had their own story, and they all had people they'd lost. Being immune didn't change that.

And maybe she wasn't really all that lucky. Joel had always thought she was so fortunate because she couldn't be infected, but now he was seeing everything from her perspective. He couldn't imagine the self-hatred she probably felt for being immune. What made her better than everyone else? Why was she so special? Why had she been chosen to survive and watch the people she loved turn when she never could?

Her immunity wasn't a gift. It was a curse.

_"So don't tell me that I would be safer with someone else, because the truth is I would just be more scared."_

Ellie had never looked so painfully young as she confessed that, and it made Joel think that he might be making the wrong decision because now he didn't want to leave her more than ever. He didn't want her to be scared... scared like Sarah had been the night the infection began, and scared like he'd been when Tommy had left him on his own. But he had to stick with his decision because he thought it was the right one for her, even if it wasn't the best one for either of them.

_"You're right... You're not my daughter, and I as sure as hell ain't your dad. And we are going our separate ways."_

But in the end, he gave in because he couldn't say no to her even if he didn't tell her so right away. Let her think he was still in charge, and all that. But Joel was only kidding himself; his defenses had broken down the moment she brought up Sarah. Ellie and his baby girl were just too alike in too many ways for him to be okay with letting someone else take her, even if it his younger brother. It would be like leaving Sarah behind all over again.

And if he was being truthful, it was likely he didn't want to leave Ellie a lot more than she didn't want to leave him. He was selfishly putting her in danger when he knew she'd be safer with Tommy, but he just couldn't make her do it anymore. Not after what she said. Which is ironic, considering he didn't even want to take her in the first place.

He was a hypocrite. Another flaw. One day he'd really have to tell Ellie about all of his flaws and his past and if she still wanted to stay with him after everything and could accept them for what they were, for what _he _was, then maybe he could learn to accept them too.

* * *

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